Find Self-Compassion
Practising kindness and compassion towards ourselves has been shown to be a major positive force for both our mental and physical well-being. In fact, a recent study* found self-compassion is quite literally good for the heart, as it lowers your risk of developing cardiovascular disease, having a heart attack, stroke and high blood pressure, and being overwhelmed by stress, anger, anxiety, shame, depression and fear of failure.
So what does self-compassion actually mean? It can often be misunderstood and seen as self-indulgent and self-pitying. This is not the case – rather it’s about becoming sensitive to our own (and others) suffering and being committed to doing something about it. This doesn’t mean acknowledging our grief, emotions or feelings that we’re experiencing and wallowing in them, but being determined to work through them and find out what meaning they hold for us so we can change our old habits and unhelpful ways of behaving or thinking so we can move on from feeling weighed down.
Self-compassion is not self-pity. Pitying ourselves tends to exaggerate the extent of our own problems, and being wrapped up in our own perspective leads us to feeling isolated and disconnected in our own difficulties. If we allow knowledge that it’s normal and natural for us all to struggle at times, this ensures we feel less alone.
When we have self-compassion, we are less likely to depend on others to validate our self-worth. This will filter into your relationships. How you treat yourself can mirror how you let others treat you. If you’re unkind to yourself, you lay down the patterns of how much criticism or disrespect you will accept from others.
According to academic Dr Kristin Neff**, self-compassion is defined as mindfulness, common humanity and kindness.
The first step is being mindful; when you’re going through difficulties, take a moment, be aware of and hold your own feelings rather than dismissing them or being carried away by them. Notice what emotions you are having, whether it’s anger, sadness, anxiousness or fear.
Then acknowledge that you are not on your own in feeling this; find strength in the belief that no one is perfect, we’re all flawed and we all experience pain. Be kind to yourself – as you would be with a friend – and accept what you’re feeling, rather than unleashing your inner critic on yourself.
This doesn’t mean interpreting painful experience as some sort of failure – this gives us the illusion that suffering can be avoided. While it is uncomfortable to accept we can’t control everything, it is a gift to yourself to accept pain is part of the human condition. Give yourself a mental hug. We all have lows as well as highs, we all need help from time to time. Asking this from yourself and others is an act of bravery and self-acceptance.
Finally, commit yourself to doing something about your suffering. This will allow you to begin to confront some possibly difficult truths about ourselves. If you stay shut off from exploring your own beliefs, emotions and thoughts for fear of self-condemnation or feeling ashamed, exposed or vulnerable, you may never truly accept all facets of your whole self.
Doing this will ensure that you are genuinely acting in your own best interest by allowing you to set healthier boundaries. And as you gain insight into your own flaws and the nature of your struggles, you will take more responsibility for your own actions, have more courage and be more motivated to persevere.
If we cannot hold onto our own worth at difficult times, we become stuck in feeling overburdened, depleted and resentful; we will have a hard time recovering. In other words, self-compassion is critical for healthy self-esteem and resilience, so we have a stable sense of self when things don’t go so well and trust in our own inner resources to comfort and allow us to ‘be with’ ourselves in an accepting way.
*Self-Compassion, Physical Health and Health Behaviour: A Meta-Analysis by Wendy J Phillips & Donald W Hine (Health Psychology Review, Dec 2019) **Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself by Dr Kristin Neff (William Morrow & Co, 2011)